GRIEVING OR NOT GRIEVING?

On April 30th - 2010 - bout 2 weeks ago I lost my Mother to Heart disease- What you have to understand is she had a long battle with Heart problems.


August 13th 1990 she had a massive heart attack and was only given 5 years to live if that. Well she defied the odds and lived 15 more. You see her will was great - she wanted to live for my father - he would have been lost without her - no one could handle him like my mother could, so she never gave up. She went through some pretty tuff times over the years - she had 3 defibulators in her chest, rienal dysfunction and a microheart valve leaking and bad heart only beating 23%, so you see she was a tuff gal.

To move on through the years - she had all this going on plus my father to contend with - who by the way was not in the best of health either. So while all this is taking place - he had to go into a nursing home - because of a stroke that put him in a wheel chair. Well you would have thought this would be her time to put things into perspective - not a chance! My daughter and I had to for the next 3 years take her to the home almost everyday - now mind you , I am married with a young son - but I worked around my own family to accomadate her - long story short - she brought him home - he died 12 years ago - she came to live with me.

Anyway I am not sure what is going on with me but my daughter is taking her death really hard - they had a close bond - me I am not grieving like I think I should - she lived with me for 9 years - she made it to 81 - a miracle! I took care of her in the process.

What is wrong with me? Am I cold feeling? sad but not sad? I have my moments but I sometimes feel anger - she would hide the fact she was sick from me and lie about it. I think I am unfeeling then I get all weeping and can't seem to stop - then I do stop and move on with daily activities - work, chores my family. My daughter on the other hand is not dealing well with this - she is clinging to me like no tomorrow - she is 36 - has a fiancee who she lives with- but is calling me 3 times a day - not that I am complaining - but this never happened when my mother was alive- she was more with her than me.

What is wrong with me am I a cold unfeeling person? How do I help my daughter get through this - I love her very much and I am concern for her - I want to help her and myself.

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Jun 05, 2010
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It's so hard
by: Anonymous

My husband died on 3/18/10 after a long debilitating illness. I've heard all the cliches from "it's a blessing" to "it takes time". None of which are very comforting. I spent the last two years of my life fighting for his life. He lost both his legs to amputations. The use of his hands to neuropathy. Dialysis three times a week. Incontinence. Congestive heart. And finally death. I'm grieving for him and for me. Now what? I'm 57 and I miss him so much. I can't start over. I can't be happy anymore. There's nothing here for me. The rest of the world moves on and I am emotionally, financially, and socially ruined. Our friends are not around because he didn't want anyone around during his illness preferring not to see anyone while so infirmed. This sucks.

May 19, 2010
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grieving and emotions
by: grieving and emotions

Grandma, you are so wise and give such good advice. I was wondering if the lady that wrote and had a long hard conversation with her daughter about dying. We are all going to have to face it one day or another, and it can be such a trauma to those left behind. Maybe now isn't the time, but when you think it is, I would strongly suggest an honest open chat about the subject of death. I guess I was lucky enough to have talked to my mom several times about death. When she passed, I celebrated her death, because she was no longer in pain. When we would talk about death she would always say that she wasn't afraid and welcomed it because she would no longer be in misery, both in her body and her spirit.
For me, death is a new beginning. I know my mom and others that have passed are still there to communicate with. They aren't gone they are just in a different place. They come to us in our dreams, usually in a happy manner. When I dream of my mom she is not in pain, she is smiling and she is with her other loved ones that have passed.
When I think of the death of a loved one, I see card games, laughter amongst friends, everyone having a good time, looking at us and smiling knowing we will join them one day.

May 18, 2010
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Griving and Emotions
by: Grandma

Hello,

First allow me to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so soon for you to be questioning your emotions. We all grieve in our own way, in our own time.

It seems to me that you couldn't have possibly have done anything more for your mother when she was here. It's so rare today to know of a woman being so unselfish to take care of their mother the way you did. I want to commend you on that. You devoted so much of yourself and your time to her needs in every way, especially taking her to see your dad and finally bringing her into your home to live with your family. It sounds to me that you are your mothers daughter. You seem very much like her, maybe you don't see that today, but one day you will. I'm sure your daughter is noticing that more than ever right now and that is why she is clinging to you.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, allow yourself time to grieve, be angry, be selfish, and allow yourself to laugh. Your mother wouldn't want any less or any more from you right now. Enjoy this time with your daughters need to spend time with you and don't be afraid to share some memories with her, I think you both need to talk about your mother, just close your eyes and you'll see your mother smiling at you, and it really wouldn't take much to hear her voice right now.

I lost my mother over 40 years ago, she died at the age I'm at right now but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her and many times I'll hear her voice or see her smiling at me. Memories are so precious. She was devoted to my dad too, what a wonderful generation that was.

I'll keep you in my prayers,

Grandma


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